She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
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I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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