Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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