Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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