I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
