So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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