I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
