Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
