you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
