after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
