Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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