checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
