I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
