Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
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