Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
