I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
