Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
