There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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