i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
being pregnant is like rehab
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
