If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
