sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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