Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
