You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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