I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
