just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.