Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.