You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal