got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
