My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
