her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
