Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
