I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
