U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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