i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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