woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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