You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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