I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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