I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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