He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
