just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
