Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
