I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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