her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
