she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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