If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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