Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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