I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
