fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
