Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
