we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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