I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
