Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just invented taco cereal.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
