What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
