im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
