Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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