i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
