I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
