You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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