apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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