i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
