its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
