I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
