If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
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I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
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I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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