They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
